Our Team

Meet Our Esteemed Leader and Also Other People

 

Announcing our venerated captain: born in Norway and raised in Idaho and later a turnip shack at the edge of NASA’s Astronaut Food Dehydration Facility, M’Chumbis graduated from Yale University in 1910.

Ernie M’Chumbis
CEO | Founder | Cofounder

We found Abernathy McAlister atop a massive American Alligator. While initially intimidating, Abernathy carried with him a Nokia phone circa 2001, so we hired him on the spot to run all the superfluous / unnecessary things here at Gerpa Goods.

Abernathy Wendell McAlister
Senior Vice President

Rich Johnson appeared on the Gerpa Goods payroll inexplicably and without our knowledge. Nevertheless he’s here and does something, we think. We’ll likely need to check in with him during his annual review, but that’s currently booked out five years.

Rich “The Big D” Johnson
We Honestly Don’t Know | Maybe Director of Sales

Angela is the only reason Gerpa Goods is still standing. Around the office we like to joke that Angela does 82% of the work at this company—and that’s why we’ve graciously awarded Angela a salary of 82 cents for every dollar the rest of us make. Thank you, Angela.

Angela Flores
COO | CFO | Highly Talented and Qualified in General

 

Barney’s extensive background in policing makes him a perfect fit for enforcing diversity and inclusion. When it comes to discrimination, he absolutely allegedly doesn’t tolerate it. If we abide by the company rules, anything is possible (including feeling safe!)

Barney Bobbie
Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer

Marcus does a lot of technical stuff that frankly, we don’t understand. From managing our network infrastructure to instructing us not to open suspicious PDFs (whatever those are), we’re so glad Marcus is here to tell us how to pronounce ‘GIF’.

Marcus Jenkins
CTO | CISO | CIO

Shirley came to us “wright” out of law school, which was a huge success for Gerpa Goods because it turns out we’re in the media a lot for trivial quibbles surrounding sustainability and “toxicity levels in our products” which frankly isn’t technically true.

Shirley Wright-Hassal
J.D. | Media Relations

Keith has a day job and an alter ego, but contributes to Gerpa Goods ceaselessly in his spare time, per his very carefully-worded contract. Isn’t that right, Keith? Also Keith, please make sure you update the Gerpa Goods Threads bio while Madison is at school.

Keith Caperer
CMO | Chief Web Developer | Creative Director

 

Peasants of Note / Hourly Gerpa Children

 

Madison is our 91st ever unpaid intern, and joins Gerpa Goods every summer to plan out our entire social media strategy for the following year. It’s clear that they love the experience, and we’re so happy to provide them with this amazing opportunity.

Madison Krimbles
Chief Social Strategist | Intern

Whipple was born in the West Indies and sailed to NYC in the early 60s, where he made a name for himself running underground bat racing tournaments. Whipple’s lust for life is invaluable here at Gerpa Goods, which is why he earns no more than minimum wage.

Whipple Conrad
Regional Assistant | Work Life Balance

Arthur does not own an electric watch, but he does own the third party HR department here at Gerpa Goods. Arthur specializes in making our Gerpa Children feel heard and understood, especially when he’s wearing his hearing aid. Fun fact: Arthur votes red.

Arthur Dinky
HR Director

NASA wouldn’t let us call A Literal Bag of Bees an astronaut for some reason, so Gerpa Goods has adopted a classy replacement title: CSP. We actually haven’t seen A Literal Bag of Bees for some time, probably because he’s out there doing space things.

A Literal Bag of Bees
Chief Space Person