The 10 Rules of Business
That’s Right, There Are Rules
Ernie M’Chumbis believes running a successful business boils down to 1,000 simple rules, and they helped Gerpa Goods become the global leader it is today. For proprietary and compendious purposes, we continue to apply only 10 of these rules to each and every part of our business.
1. Commit to your business.
Believe in it like it takes precedent over everything else in your life, especially your employees, your family, your devastating impact on the environment, and that boxed macaroni & Spam tray you microwave every day for lunch (read: it must be dry and mealy in consistency, and it must be smothered in catsup). If you truly love your work, you’ll be out there every day trying to do it in the most bureaucratic way possible. And pretty soon, everybody around will catch that passion from you—like a fever. In fact it probably is a fever, since the last sick day you took off was during the Cold War.
2. Share your profits with all your associates, and treat them as partners.
Profit can come in many forms. Sometimes it’s money, and mostly it’s a well-deserved pat on the back. Here at Gerpa Goods, we believe sharing emotional profit is the key to your success. Consequently, together you will all perform beyond your wildest expectations.
3. Motivate your partners.
Money and ownership alone aren't enough. World domination is key. Purchase your competitors, encourage monetary profit at all costs, make sure all your bathrooms smell like urinal mints, and also maintain an easily-accessible gun aisle. Don't become too predictable.
4. Communicate everything you possibly can to your partners.
The more they know, the less they'll understand. The less they understand, the more they'll care. Once they care, there's no stopping them strictly from a production standpoint.
5. Appreciate everything your associates do for the business.
Nothing else says “I appreciate you” than a few well-chosen, well-timed, sincere words of praise. Express these words (i.e. emotional profits) in the form of motivational posters around the break room. Those densely-Photoshopped “Achieve your Dreams” Florida sunsets are worth a fortune.
6. Celebrate your success.
Don't take yourself so seriously. Loosen up, and everybody around you will loosen up. Take your socks off. Have fun. Giggle hysterically. Show enthusiasm—always. Never stop smiling. All of this is more important (and more fun) than you think, and it really crushes our competition that we don’t own into the ground. **** those guys they’ll be so ****ing devastated, but remember: we do this all with kindness and empathy.
7. Listen to everyone in your company.
Your board of directors and C-suite executives have some very important things to say.
8. Exceed your customers’ expectations.
Give them what they want—and a little more. Put your dead, buttery birds in the furthest corner of the store. That’s right: make your customers work for it. Dead butter birds may be your company’s loss leader every year but it doesn’t matter because you’re doing your part to end heart disease. Also make good on all your mistakes, and don't make excuses—instead, internalize that guilt and never let it go. Stand behind everything you do.
9. Control your expenses better than your competition.
If that corner-mom-and-pop shop goes $3.00, you go $2.99. Always take the low road.
10. Swim upstream.
Be different. Think differently. Sell the same exact things in your store that every other store does, but at a highly-discounted price, and at the expense of everyone in the supply chain except yourself. This way, you’ll be like Kyle in high school who never paid any attention to you and also never participated in the group project but like, one time he let you borrow his pencil that was slightly damp and covered in a slippery substance, but it was also totally rad. Listen, Kyle understood who you were deep inside, okay?