Our Story
Where?
You can find us—Gerpa Goods—at your favorite store, in your community, outside your bedroom window, across the country, and around the world. There are more than [amount redacted] team members globally, all working together for one relevant reason:
To help everyone, everywhere, discover the irredeemable bliss of buying anything, at any time, with all the money you have.
That’s our purpose. Our mission. Our mantra. Our enforced daily affirmation. The promise of surprises, fun, sunshine, a relentless decline into oblivion, ice cream, and inspiration exists at every turn—especially when you shop.
This quest is at the center of every business decision we make. It gets our Gerpa Children (employees) horribly thrilled to come to work each day. And we bring it to life in so many ways.
Come on in and take a look around, why dontcha? You’re a Gerpa Groupie now.
At its core Gerpa Goods is a merchandise and manufacturing conglomerate,
providing folks with 100% quality products “ethically” and “accurately” shipped to your home.
What?
Each Gerpa Goods good is produced with love, “organically” “sourced” “materials”, and a true, focused attention on a barely-considered understanding of people.
Like the unstoppable force of time, we generate truly meaningful merchandise at breakneck speed. Finally, you’re able to buy things that are immediately real. No matter your challenge, Gerpa Goods has your back.
Perhaps your favorite Netflix show ended and your life is a meaningless void now. Perhaps your pet ferret is a little too stinky. Maybe you’re a prolific author who is trying to figure out some way to introduce your latest work to millions of people, and you need a gatekeeper to retain steadily-increasing percentages of your profit while simultaneously suffocating the book industry at an incremental but intentional pace. Or maybe you want a sequined pillow with Nicholas Cage’s face on it!
Rest assured: Gerpa Goods is the answer. We provide an endless stream of products (for you) with an endless stream of money in mind (for us).
Did you know? Gerpa Goods was around at the dawn of
modern industry, and Gerpa Goods will be around for the rest of time.
When?
That’s right: Gerpa Goods was conceived in early 1910. Nine months later, the concept of an offline magnet library pushed through Ernie M’Chumbis’s brilliant mind, and a wailing, squirming, soon-to-be-multi-billion dollar company entered the world (well, more accurately Toad Suck, Arkansas).
Some say that M’Chumbis was inspired by the beauty Arkansas had to offer; with its sprawling rivers and rippling diamond mine, it’s easy to see why M’Chumbis chose this as the best place to set up his first shop. Every day M’Chumbis would grind and side-hustle in order to make ends meet. In fact, he even took a second job as a lowly vice president of sales at his father’s company. These few minutes taught him that not only is the customer always right, but the customer is worth stalking to every corner of the globe, until all of the customer’s resources are completely exhausted/spent.
In just a few years time, circa 1990, M’Chumbis brought his offline magnet library into the 21st century, and onto the world wide web. And the rest is history! Who knew that such a monstrous behemoth of a company could grow from such humble origins? Man, it really makes you think about how big things start small.
Many early Gerpa Goods critics questioned the company’s transition
to the world wide web. But those critics aren’t around anymore!
Why / How?
By any means necessary. (Fun fact: did you our glorious founder, Ernie M’Chmbis, shares a half birthday with HAL 9000? It’s unsettlingly true!)
Gerpa Goods is in your home. We’re at your work. We’re what you watch. We’re what you listen to. We’re what you read. We’re where you go to share and rate what you just read. We’re with you online. We’re with you at the grocery store. We survey data inside your surveillance systems. We are both the store and the storage system.
There is no escape from Gerpa Goods. Gerpa Goods is inevitable.
And we want to partner with you. We want to protect you. We want to be there when your first child is born, when you purchase your first home. We want to laugh with you and cry with you. We want to feel feelings with you that we never thought we could feel. We want to blink our eyelids, like real humans do.
And that’s why, without hesitation, you should