The New Revised Mega-American Version Bible
About the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible
Are you tired of the same dusty, old-English-sounding Bible verses you hear in Church and on 91.9 FM Christian Radio? God’s sacred Word shouldn’t be mired in outdated words and aggravating verbiage.
As mentioned in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” whatever the hell that means.
Introducing the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible: the modern way to be religious. It’s about time Christians had access to easy-to-understand scripture, especially within a book they’ve never read, and never will read in their lifetime.
Stop getting bullied by godless cucks on the internet. Stop getting frustrated in Sunday School because you don’t know what a Nebuchadnezzar is. Stop misquoting boring Bible verses during campaign speeches at notably Evangelical universities. In short, stop letting people challenge your beliefs. They’re your beliefs. Your beliefs deserve irrefutable justification, and you deserve the benefit of mindless regurgitation grounded in a profound misunderstanding of anything even remotely resembling theological discourse.
That’s where the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible can help. Co-written by American multi-billionaire, Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, The New Revised Mega-American Version Bible was written by Americans and for Americans.
“The good thing about the Bible,” says Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, “is that you can interpret it however you want to fit your agenda!” MegAms (mega-Americans) nationwide couldn’t agree more.
Enjoy classic Bible verses but re-written in a coherent, frankly better style:
John 11:35
Boring Bible version:
“Jesus wept.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Jesus wasn’t a pussy. He roared with righteous anger, the only emotion that white men feel.”
Leviticus 18:22
Boring Bible version:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Don’t be gay lol.”
One Corinthians 13:4
Boring Bible version:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Love is hardcore, love is chaste. It is only approved for specific people who believe in the same things you do, but like, spread love anyway, especially to people you agree and get along with.”
5/5 Reviews Across the Board
“Jesus.”
-The New York Times
“I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless the USA Bible.”
-Donald Trump
“I’m okay with going to Hell.”
-Elon Musk
“Demons use noise to distract us. Thankfully the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible audio book only comes in 85 dBA volume so we can HEAR THE TRUTH.”
-Alex Jones
About Ernie M’Chumbis, Founder, Co-founder, and CEO of American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerate, Gerpa Goods and also Co-Author
Ernie M’Chumbis is a self-made man. He grew up in a poorer gated community with only a few million dollar loans from his parents. Life was tough for young M’Chumbis, and his nickname was “Oliver Twist” in school because of his “please sir I want some more” mindset (read: grindset). But then, without anyone’s help whatsoever, M’Chumbis used his hard-earned money to build a corporate manufacturing conglomerate empire. Thus Gerpa Goods was born.
People who know M’Chumbis describe him lovingly as “...a person” and definitely not a cold-hearted scream golem who relentlessly crushes all competition into the dust. At some point in M’Chumbis’s righteous journey, he realized that by bringing Americans ease, comfort, bliss, and affordable online goods, he had to also pay his employees.
Thankfully, no problem is too big for Ernie M’Chumbis. A lifelong devout Christian starting in his early fifties, M’Chumbis was visited by Jesus Christ. Christ told him that a new, more American Bible needed to be sold online. He also mentioned that by doing this, M’Chumbis could avoid certain federal taxes because of his unwavering commitment to religion and religious lobbying initiatives. M’Chumbis obliged.
Did Jesus write the Bible in a day? No.
But Jesus and Ernie M’Chumbis co-wrote the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible in 36 hours using a clever combination of voice-to-text and Chat GPT.
Together they formed this perfect revised version: one void of wokeness, big words, and things that make American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerates look bad.
Ernie M’Chumbis would like to thank you, a member of the parasite class, for using your $420 to purchase this New Revised Mega-American Version Bible. While your kind support is noted and ultimately funds your own demise, you can rest assured knowing that you will now enter The Kingdom of American Heaven™.
About the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible
Are you tired of the same dusty, old-English-sounding Bible verses you hear in Church and on 91.9 FM Christian Radio? God’s sacred Word shouldn’t be mired in outdated words and aggravating verbiage.
As mentioned in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” whatever the hell that means.
Introducing the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible: the modern way to be religious. It’s about time Christians had access to easy-to-understand scripture, especially within a book they’ve never read, and never will read in their lifetime.
Stop getting bullied by godless cucks on the internet. Stop getting frustrated in Sunday School because you don’t know what a Nebuchadnezzar is. Stop misquoting boring Bible verses during campaign speeches at notably Evangelical universities. In short, stop letting people challenge your beliefs. They’re your beliefs. Your beliefs deserve irrefutable justification, and you deserve the benefit of mindless regurgitation grounded in a profound misunderstanding of anything even remotely resembling theological discourse.
That’s where the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible can help. Co-written by American multi-billionaire, Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, The New Revised Mega-American Version Bible was written by Americans and for Americans.
“The good thing about the Bible,” says Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, “is that you can interpret it however you want to fit your agenda!” MegAms (mega-Americans) nationwide couldn’t agree more.
Enjoy classic Bible verses but re-written in a coherent, frankly better style:
John 11:35
Boring Bible version:
“Jesus wept.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Jesus wasn’t a pussy. He roared with righteous anger, the only emotion that white men feel.”
Leviticus 18:22
Boring Bible version:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Don’t be gay lol.”
One Corinthians 13:4
Boring Bible version:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Love is hardcore, love is chaste. It is only approved for specific people who believe in the same things you do, but like, spread love anyway, especially to people you agree and get along with.”
5/5 Reviews Across the Board
“Jesus.”
-The New York Times
“I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless the USA Bible.”
-Donald Trump
“I’m okay with going to Hell.”
-Elon Musk
“Demons use noise to distract us. Thankfully the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible audio book only comes in 85 dBA volume so we can HEAR THE TRUTH.”
-Alex Jones
About Ernie M’Chumbis, Founder, Co-founder, and CEO of American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerate, Gerpa Goods and also Co-Author
Ernie M’Chumbis is a self-made man. He grew up in a poorer gated community with only a few million dollar loans from his parents. Life was tough for young M’Chumbis, and his nickname was “Oliver Twist” in school because of his “please sir I want some more” mindset (read: grindset). But then, without anyone’s help whatsoever, M’Chumbis used his hard-earned money to build a corporate manufacturing conglomerate empire. Thus Gerpa Goods was born.
People who know M’Chumbis describe him lovingly as “...a person” and definitely not a cold-hearted scream golem who relentlessly crushes all competition into the dust. At some point in M’Chumbis’s righteous journey, he realized that by bringing Americans ease, comfort, bliss, and affordable online goods, he had to also pay his employees.
Thankfully, no problem is too big for Ernie M’Chumbis. A lifelong devout Christian starting in his early fifties, M’Chumbis was visited by Jesus Christ. Christ told him that a new, more American Bible needed to be sold online. He also mentioned that by doing this, M’Chumbis could avoid certain federal taxes because of his unwavering commitment to religion and religious lobbying initiatives. M’Chumbis obliged.
Did Jesus write the Bible in a day? No.
But Jesus and Ernie M’Chumbis co-wrote the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible in 36 hours using a clever combination of voice-to-text and Chat GPT.
Together they formed this perfect revised version: one void of wokeness, big words, and things that make American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerates look bad.
Ernie M’Chumbis would like to thank you, a member of the parasite class, for using your $420 to purchase this New Revised Mega-American Version Bible. While your kind support is noted and ultimately funds your own demise, you can rest assured knowing that you will now enter The Kingdom of American Heaven™.
About the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible
Are you tired of the same dusty, old-English-sounding Bible verses you hear in Church and on 91.9 FM Christian Radio? God’s sacred Word shouldn’t be mired in outdated words and aggravating verbiage.
As mentioned in James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” whatever the hell that means.
Introducing the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible: the modern way to be religious. It’s about time Christians had access to easy-to-understand scripture, especially within a book they’ve never read, and never will read in their lifetime.
Stop getting bullied by godless cucks on the internet. Stop getting frustrated in Sunday School because you don’t know what a Nebuchadnezzar is. Stop misquoting boring Bible verses during campaign speeches at notably Evangelical universities. In short, stop letting people challenge your beliefs. They’re your beliefs. Your beliefs deserve irrefutable justification, and you deserve the benefit of mindless regurgitation grounded in a profound misunderstanding of anything even remotely resembling theological discourse.
That’s where the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible can help. Co-written by American multi-billionaire, Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, The New Revised Mega-American Version Bible was written by Americans and for Americans.
“The good thing about the Bible,” says Ernie M’Chumbis, founder, co-founder, and CEO of American corporate manufacturing conglomerate, Gerpa Goods, “is that you can interpret it however you want to fit your agenda!” MegAms (mega-Americans) nationwide couldn’t agree more.
Enjoy classic Bible verses but re-written in a coherent, frankly better style:
John 11:35
Boring Bible version:
“Jesus wept.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Jesus wasn’t a pussy. He roared with righteous anger, the only emotion that white men feel.”
Leviticus 18:22
Boring Bible version:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Don’t be gay lol.”
One Corinthians 13:4
Boring Bible version:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
New Revised Mega-American Version Bible version:
“Love is hardcore, love is chaste. It is only approved for specific people who believe in the same things you do, but like, spread love anyway, especially to people you agree and get along with.”
5/5 Reviews Across the Board
“Jesus.”
-The New York Times
“I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless the USA Bible.”
-Donald Trump
“I’m okay with going to Hell.”
-Elon Musk
“Demons use noise to distract us. Thankfully the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible audio book only comes in 85 dBA volume so we can HEAR THE TRUTH.”
-Alex Jones
About Ernie M’Chumbis, Founder, Co-founder, and CEO of American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerate, Gerpa Goods and also Co-Author
Ernie M’Chumbis is a self-made man. He grew up in a poorer gated community with only a few million dollar loans from his parents. Life was tough for young M’Chumbis, and his nickname was “Oliver Twist” in school because of his “please sir I want some more” mindset (read: grindset). But then, without anyone’s help whatsoever, M’Chumbis used his hard-earned money to build a corporate manufacturing conglomerate empire. Thus Gerpa Goods was born.
People who know M’Chumbis describe him lovingly as “...a person” and definitely not a cold-hearted scream golem who relentlessly crushes all competition into the dust. At some point in M’Chumbis’s righteous journey, he realized that by bringing Americans ease, comfort, bliss, and affordable online goods, he had to also pay his employees.
Thankfully, no problem is too big for Ernie M’Chumbis. A lifelong devout Christian starting in his early fifties, M’Chumbis was visited by Jesus Christ. Christ told him that a new, more American Bible needed to be sold online. He also mentioned that by doing this, M’Chumbis could avoid certain federal taxes because of his unwavering commitment to religion and religious lobbying initiatives. M’Chumbis obliged.
Did Jesus write the Bible in a day? No.
But Jesus and Ernie M’Chumbis co-wrote the New Revised Mega-American Version Bible in 36 hours using a clever combination of voice-to-text and Chat GPT.
Together they formed this perfect revised version: one void of wokeness, big words, and things that make American Corporate Manufacturing Conglomerates look bad.
Ernie M’Chumbis would like to thank you, a member of the parasite class, for using your $420 to purchase this New Revised Mega-American Version Bible. While your kind support is noted and ultimately funds your own demise, you can rest assured knowing that you will now enter The Kingdom of American Heaven™.