An Open Letter to Stinky Piggy Consumers This Holiday Season
Hello My Darling, Smelly Little Swine-Customers,
It’s me: CEO, Founder, and Cofounder of Gerpa Goods (www.gerpagoods.com), Ernie M’Chumbis.
You may think of me as a god/king as you wish, but at the very least you may refer to me as an incredibly successful entrepreneur and philanthropist. While you paltry piglets concern yourselves with worldly endeavors, such as affordable healthcare and how much money you’re going to spend at my company, I dedicate my passion to the stars. In this case, that means building an astro-hotel on Venus, because this planet rhymes with my favorite word.
I bet you’re wondering how Gerpa Goods became the #1 retail and manufacturing conglomerate in the world as rated by Gerpa Goods employees not necessarily at gunpoint for 82 consecutive years.
The answer? It’s you, idiots: your putrid data that you sign away without reading our terms of service, your extremely generous Gerpa Goods credit cards that offer free shipping for every $2 million spent at our online store, as well as your glorious, nauseating cash that you surrender to me on a daily basis.
Now that your brains have consumed the above absolutely-true facts, I have compiled a brief list of lighthearted suggestions as you shop this holiday season.
Stop caring about the environment. You tried. You recycle and you thought about researching solar panel installation, once. But let’s not kid ourselves; the more you worry about the state of the world, the more anxiety you store in your body. And we all know that anxiety causes cancer. Don’t let Earth Day generate a terminal illness inside of you and instead shop for products to your horribly bloated heart’s content.
Stop caring about workers’ rights. All this recent unionization nonsense reeks of millennial entitlement and less money for me, Ernie M’Chumbis. Here at Gerpa Goods you can rest assured that all our employees receive the federal minimum wage in a definitely-real currency we lovingly refer to as GerpaBux™. (GerpaBux™ may also be exchanged at a 2,000:1 ratio for bathroom tokens which expire fortnightly. Let it be noted that GerpaBux™ are not technically considered “coupons” because it is “technically” illegal to pay employees with coupons.)
Stop caring about what you hear in the media regarding retail and manufacturing conglomerates. News anchors may claim to report the truth, but what is “truth”, anyway? Do you really want to know how and where your shoes were made? And if you did find out, would you ever wear shoes again? I didn’t think so. Truth lies in comfort, and comfort is a direct, irrefutable result of buying more products this holiday season.
Just stop caring. Our success as a capitalist supernation depends on your tacit agreement in our entirely-well-thought-out business practices. Look no further than our recent Google review to realize just how popular shopping at Gerpa Goods truly is: “I… agreed to this. Please help me [tell you how much I love shopping]. They took my wallet [and also my heart, in a good way]. I [love] Gerpa Goods!” See? Hakuna matata. Let us shower you in totally consensual goods, so that you don’t have to care about their questionable quality or origin.
What a super-achievable list! Just think about all that Gerpa Goods does for you in comparison: we make your products out of “organic” and “humanely sourced” “materials”, and we ship them at breakneck speed (read: the fastest that our brainless human drivers can manage given their lavish, company-issued amphetamines) to your precise location that we may or may not have access to via your cellular device. On top of that, we actually care about a negligible amount of your feedback.
It’s imperative that you filthy slop hogs realize just how much you mean to companies like Gerpa Goods. Why, I wouldn’t be the man I am today without your wretched, stinking cash. In fact I rest easier at night knowing that you stuff your mealy maws with mounds and mounds of marvelous products.
So this holiday season, listen to Daddy Gerpa and make sure you hang onto one simple thought, you stupid, stinky little piggies: stop caring and shop forever, now.
Insincerely,
Ernie M’Chumbis
CEO, Founder, and Cofounder
Gerpa Goods
